Saturday, November 22, 2008

An Excellent Proposition

Hello Darlings,

I've done it again, my dears. All my colleagues, including Satan himself, are flatulent with envy. Once more, I've managed to get humans fumbling all over each other in full distraction. And it was so simple. All I had to do was facilitate a delicious little referendum in California called Proposition 8. It changed the constitution in California to define marriage as exclusively between a man and a woman. The fact that it passed, however, is not the reason for my revelry. 

I could give a tiny little rat turd about whether or not members of the same sex are permitted to wed. Monogamy in any form is for dullards who care nothing for glamour and stimulation. I despise it in all its iterations. No, darlings, Proposition 8 is such a success because of the monumental amount of distraction it provided, not to mention the money that was wasted. It was an exercise in pure excess, and I just adore excess.

Honestly, all the Prop 8 hullabaloo has been the source of much amusement down here. It makes both those who support and oppose it look like lobotomized chihuahuas. That ridiculous book which Christians fetishize contains 6-8 verses about homosexuality, depending on how one reads them. This stands next to over 2000 verses about poverty, yet Christians run around acting as if all The One We Do Not Name cares about is men who iron their pants spending the rest of their lives together in a feng shui condo. 

Those who oppose Prop 8 are almost as preposterous. Get gay humans talking candidly about monogamy and you'll find they see it much as I do -- a big fat joke. Less than 5% of gay couples avail themselves of marriage when it is legal. The average duration of those marriages is 18 months. Everyone in the gay community knows this, yet they weep and wail and gnash their teeth about Proposition 8 more than the residents of the first three circles of Hell. 

My favorite part, my dears, is the money. Both sides spent a combined 73 million dollars on campaigns for and against Prop 8. That's almost 500,000 wells in Africa. My dears, that's 88,844 spa day trips in Carmel! Oh my precious pumpkins, if we ever threw parties down here, we would have a magnificent soiree in honor of yours truly for my success on Proposition 8.

Of course, it's not fair, darlings, for me to call it my success. All I really did was clear any obstacles for the grand show down between the far right and far left. Proposition 8 was a human invention. You remarkable hornless homunculi almost make me envious sometimes. Almost. 

I can hardly wait to see what you come up with next. Until then, my darling beauties, I remain . . . 

Your friend until The End,


Anonymous said...

Until today I'd yet to see anybody take a 3rd perspective as you had, my friends and I had a discussion on how important Prop 8 was but I think you've done a better job.

Anonymous said...

The Devil's back. Thank God.