My name is Prince Beelezebub. Four decades ago, the pimps in the 8th circle began calling me “Prince B” and it stuck. Now even Satan calls me PrinceB, when he bothers to show up for meetings. Thus, my beauties, you are welcome to do the same. PrinceB, at your service.
I've been waiting a long time for this. Waiting for the time when Satan lost interest in all but the most sensational aspects of public life. From time immemorial he had his hand in everything, and he was quite the micromanager. Over the past couple centuries, however, he’s become not only increasingly irrelevant, but less motivated. If something doesn’t involve death or the occult, he has no interest. He stays mostly in Africa now, being particularly fond of poverty, genocide, and disease. And, since he just can’t bear to live without constant adoration, he insists on working only in cultures that take witch doctors and demonic possession seriously. The fool. I care far more about the attention of major media outlets than voodoo shamans. To his credit, he’s kept Africa out of the spotlight. Nobody cares about what happens there because Satan’s work in Africa lacks panache. Famine, disease, and poverty are sentimental and quaint, but hardly relevant to our work in the West. All important duties fall to me now, and I daresay they’re in more capable hands. You are in more capable hands, darlings. No thanks required, dears, for it’s my pleasure.
I’ve reserved this spot on the charming World Wide Web in order to share my designs with you. Indeed, I wish for you to become part of my designs. I welcome your input and participation. Underestimating human beings was one of my boss’s most common errors. He oft thought you needed to be possessed by one of our Plutonian Team Members to be of any use. Sometimes he fancied tempting or oppressing you a worthwhile endeavor, but we now know it was a complete waste of your talents. You can produce far more in your own right than anything we might inflict on you against your will. I apologize for past abuses that Satan and, to be honest, myself perpetrated on you. They resulted from a lack of appreciation borne of ignorance. I have much more respect for you than I did in, say, the 9th century, C.E. Therefore, I most earnestly desire both your suggestions and participation in this exercise.
What exercise is that? Yes, of course, how silly of me. I am over-fond of listening to my own loquacious ramblings. My apologies. If my superior is guilty of being facile and melodramatic, I am too oft esoteric and vague. Without further delay, I shall at once make my intentions plain.
My task, and indeed the primary responsibility for most of our team members for the last millennium or so, is capitalizing on the peccadilloes of the West – all those things that make American and European culture so endearing and amenable to our designs. There are hundreds of things that come in handy when it comes to regaining control of your world. Our most reliable and long standing vices come from the distortion of capitalism by greed: power-mongering, materialism, vanity and subjugating all morality and virtue to the almighty dollar. Satan was always partial to dictatorship and fascism until I showed him the potential of capitalism in the right hands. Greed has been our mainstay for centuries, but never has it permeated a culture to an extent that it’s almost surprising when we don’t find it. And greed gives way to all sorts of delights such as infidelity, vanity, hypocrisy and self-centeredness
But you probably already knew this, my dears, so I shan’t go on about it. Instead I will now introduce you to the primary topics of this forum*. Here we will discuss the most promising areas of innovation for expanding my -- excuse me -- our Kingdom:
DISTRACTION. Never have human beings been so preoccupied with the oblique and banal. It is as if there’s a race to dumb-down humanity until the only necessary diversion is a reality porn show hologram projected beneath the eyelids. This leaves a wide berth in which our team can work. I’m so relieved to be past the time when art, music, literature and “good” drama were popular. Regardless of what you might have heard, Bacchus was actually a servant of The One We Do Not Name. Mark Burnett and Ryan Seacrest work for me.
POLITICS. It was once necessary for us to work very hard at sowing dissension and polarizing those who disagree into warring camps. We frequently had to resort to poisoning or Watergate style espionage in order to create true enmity between political opponents. No longer. The Western world has become adept at fostering ideological animosity and reducing the most complex and sensitive subjects into black and white issues. Debates over abortion, homosexuality, abstinence education, and other such hot button moral issues are so far removed from the complex reality of the matter that I have hardly anything to do but sit back and watch. Such gladiatorial posturing over morality brings us to our most fruitful and exciting area of emphasis . . .
RELIGION. Gone are the days when The Church was our greatest earthly enemy. It is now practically our ally. Unfortunately there are still those annoying few who remain steadfast in their absurd devotion to The One Who We Do Not Name and his Bastard Son, that feckless thug who’s foot has been on my neck since before the dawn of time, curse that excremental, holier-than-thou tyrant and his slimy fu-
A thousand pardons. What was I saying? Oh yes – religion.
More than anything, this shall be a forum for examining the ways that we use The Church to serve our purpose. I don’t want to reveal too much of my workings in Christianity, for that would spoil the fun, the surprise you shall receive each time you return to this website. For now, suffice to say you will revel in savoring the delicious irony that institutional Christianity now does as much to turn people away from The One We Do Not Name and his bastard Son as it does to bring them closer. It is always good to have an ally, but it is much more entertaining to have an unwitting ally that fancies itself your enemy. Discussing this situation in its many manifestations will be our primary objective.
I’ll update this forum when I please. I'm very busy and cannot pass up the opportunities this Age has set before me. You can most often find me keeping watch over those post-adolescent Christian bed-wetters at The Burnside Writers Collective. I provide quality control for their blog (they fancy me their ally, the dullards). Future entries will be shorter, as my witty prose is an acquired taste. I sincerely hope that you will join me and invite your contributions in the comments section.
Until next time, my darling beauties, I remain . . .
Your friend until The End,
P.S. This is the second version of Beelzeblog. The original appeared on Typepad until about two years ago, when the meat-puppet who types these words was wrested from my hands by The One We Do Not Name. I am delighted to have him back under my power. Other pretenders using the name "Beelzeblog" have surfaced in my absence, much like The Bay City Rollers, The Monkees, and The Partridge Family attempted to fill the vacuum left by The Beatles. But have no doubt, darlings, this is the original, returning to you in your hour of need.
*Forgive me if I don’t use the term “blog.” An old lover of mine goes by that name. Blog left me for Astaroth 226 years, 5 months, 11 days and 4 hours ago. The mere mention of the name slays me, so please avoid its usage.